I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
