I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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