he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
