when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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