The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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