is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
