I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
