dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
