Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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