so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
