I accidentally had phone sex last night
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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