hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
