Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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