it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
