hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i think i have two assholes
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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