Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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