opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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