Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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