You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
