there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
