Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
