When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
