A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize