Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
