tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
