He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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