i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
