how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
