how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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