watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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