I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
