he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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