i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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