I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
