Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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