Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
