please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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