When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I need moral support for this bender
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
