Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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