You're a womanizer and a bitch.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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