I CAN MOONWALK!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
