I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
my poor anus
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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