Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
3pm strippers are depressing
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
