Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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