this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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