Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
