I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
