dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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