At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
