We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
