I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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