I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
