My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize