the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My breasts were aching with rage.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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