Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
