WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize