I just pynch a tree in the face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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